


Octopussy

by Nanfreak (Nan_Golden)



Category: Torchwood
Genre: Alien Gender/Sexuality, Alien Sex, Crack, Humor, M/M, Other, Tentacles
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-12-01
Updated: 2010-12-01
Packaged: 2017-10-13 11:44:43
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,961
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/136974
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nan_Golden/pseuds/Nanfreak
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ianto learns to stop worrying and love the tentacles. Co-written with marita_c.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Octopussy

Jack made a high-pitched squeak as Owen brushed a latex-covered finger across the base of his shortest tentacle. Said tentacle snapped up and smacked Owen in the face.

“Ouch! Will you stay still?!” Owen yelled, wiping a streak of goo off his cheek.

“It was a reflex! Just stop poking me, I’ve got sensitive spots all over…” Jack explained.

There was a snort from behind them, and they both looked towards Gwen, who sat in the corner of the medical bay with the video camera.

“Sorry, don’t mind me,” she said, trying to hide her amusement.

“How about not videotaping the purple, slimy guy with the tentacles?” Jack suggested.

“Are you kidding me? I’ll be showing this to my grandchildren one day.”

Tosh entered the medical bay, carrying a small alien device. She looked from Jack to Owen to Gwen, and tried to suppress a smile. “Well. The good news is that I calibrated the OmniformatorTM and it should be relatively easy to turn you back,” she reassured Jack.

Jack frowned, which wasn’t all that easy when one lacked a brow. “What’s the bad news?”

“The battery is nearly dead and it will take about fifteen hours to fully charge it.”

“Fifteen hours,” Jack echoed, then shrugged using four of his tentacles. “Not too bad. So… who wants to learn about the logistics of sex with tentacles?”

The three humans in the medical bay rolled their eyes, and a loud crash resounded from the direction of the coffee station, followed by muttered curses in Welsh.

“I’m going home,” Owen declared as he peeled off his gloves. “See you in fifteen hours. Try not to traumatize the tea boy too much.”  
“I’ll… hook this up to charge on my way out,” Tosh babbled as she rushed after Owen’s retreating form.

Gwen turned the camera off and stood up. “I guess I’ll be off too. I’d hug you goodbye, but that slime is really disgusting.”

“Thanks Gwen,” Jack retorted dryly, no mean feat considering his saturated state. “Do you mind finding Ianto on your way out and sending him down here?”

Gwen smiled. “Of course not, Jack. Have a good night.”

***

Ianto was not hiding. Really, he wasn’t.

The pterodactyl wasn’t going to feed itself, and the pile of dishes in the sink needed his urgent and immediate attention. He was only doing his job. The fact that these tasks were keeping him well clear of the medical bay was just pure coincidence.

Oh, bugger. Who was he kidding?

Scarcely an hour earlier, he’d watched his boss and lover getting zapped by an unknown alien device and, where a tall, handsome blue-eyed man had once stood, a hideous, purple one-eyed monster had appeared. Ianto couldn’t quite choke down the shrill, girly scream that had escaped him the moment Jack turned his big eye at him and sent a wide and disturbingly toothless grin in his direction.

Yes, he did realize that it was still Jack in there, but all that slime was just too horrific to overlook.

After overhearing Tosh and Owen down in the medical bay, Ianto was hoping to quietly make his escape and not return to the Hub until Jack was himself again. He finished drying the last cup, returned it to the cupboard and then turned to leave.

“Ianto!” Gwen chirped, her form a solid barrier between him and the exit. “Jack needs you in the medical bay. He probably wants coffee. Or something.”

Her eyes were wide and innocent, but he could tell that she was making an effort not to giggle. Cursing himself for not sneaking out earlier, Ianto forced a smile. “Thank you, Gwen. I’ll get right on that.”

He waited for her to leave, and as the cog door rolled shut behind her (not trapping him in, he had to remind himself) he turned back to the coffee machine and proceeded to prepare the most elaborate, time-consuming cup of coffee he’d ever made.

Almost fifteen minutes later, Ianto carefully advanced towards the medical bay, coffee cup held in front of him like a shield. He’d mentally braced himself to face that thing Jack again, but was completely unprepared for the sight that greeted him when he reached the top of the stairs.  
Apparently, Jack had been exploring.

There were three puckered orifices in the lower part of the monster’s Jack’s torso, and Jack was currently probing the left one with his middle right tentacle. Probing may not actually be the correct term for this, Ianto mused. The tentacle was about ten inches deep inside the orifice, as if Jack was trying to feel how deep it went.

“Jack, what are you doing?!“ Ianto exclaimed hysterically from the top of the stairs.

Ianto was not panicking. Really, he wasn’t.

Jack looked up at Ianto and grinned happily as he pulled his wayward tentacle out with a wet plop.

“Ianto! What took you so long?” He paused and seemed to be sniffing the air. “Is that coffee? Give it here…”

Ianto frowned and carefully walked down the stairs, trying not to look directly at Jack.

“Uh… look, uh… Jack. I think it might be a good idea if I just… uh…go home…”

“Don’t be silly. I’m not going to try anything funny. Come here,” Jack said, patting a vacant spot next to him on the autopsy table.

Ianto watched the tendrils of ooze that stretched between the tentacle and the gurney’s metal surface, and wondered with resignation which cleaning product in his extensive arsenal would be working overtime tonight.

As soon as Ianto was within reach, Jack picked up his coffee cup and brought it up to his giant eye to examine it. After long consideration, he gave the equivalent of a shrug, plopped a tentacle into the brew and stirred it clockwise. Then he lifted the appendage out and sucked it into his maw. “Mmm, delicious as always, Ianto.”

Ianto looked on, faintly repulsed, as Jack slurped his once perfect coffee – now irredeemably tainted with alien mucous – off of his tentacle with gusto. They sat in silence for several minutes, Ianto only half-sitting on the very edge of the autopsy table while he watched Jack slurp and suck his brew down with unabated enthusiasm. It was times like these, Ianto reflected, when he felt his provincialism. Jack was taking his transformation in gleeful stride while he, a 21st century yokel, could only react with horror.

“So… what exactly did you turn into?” Ianto asked with forced matter-of-factness, determined to appear more worldly – or was that other-worldly? – to his lover.

“They’re called Smeersh,” Jack said, setting aside his now-empty mug and smacking his giant lips with relish. “Lovely race. Spent a week on their home planet a long time ago. They adapted to dry land, but prefer to spend most of their time in the sea. Gorgeous warm oceans, all phosphorous and glowing at night. You wouldn’t believe how long I learned to hold my breath for.” Jack smiled toothlessly again, which looked plain wrong to Ianto; shiny teeth were an essential part of Jack’s smirk.

“I’m sure that skill came in handy for interspecies co-operation and harmony,” Ianto retorted.

“Oh yeah, it was like having sex in zero-g,” Jack said. “Just wetter.” He smiled again, and Ianto averted his eyes from Jack’s glistening gums.

“Come closer,” Jack simpered, “I don’t bite, see, no teeth!”

Ianto pointedly refused to look, and could practically feel Jack deflating.

“I bet I could get both of your feet in my mouth,” Jack tried again, this time successfully startling Ianto into looking directly into the huge, dark, moist cavern that was Jack’s mouth.

Momentarily unable to suppress his revulsion, Ianto scrambled off the table and took a step back.

Jack closed his mouth with a wet snap that made Ianto jump. “I’m just teasing you. C’mon, Ianto. I wasn’t actually going to…” Jack gestured about with his tentacles, trying to make his point. “Just… come back here, okay? I’ll keep my tentacles to myself. Promise.”

Hesitantly, Ianto came closer. “All of them?”

Jack nodded vigorously and curled all his tentacles around his midsection. Accidentally, the tip of one tentacle dipped into his middle orifice, making Jack jump a little, and then freeze.

“Woah… That’s…” he poked the tentacle further in, and his giant eye rolled back in its socket. “You have to feel this, Ianto! It’s fantastic!”

Ianto was about to turn on his heel and run again, but before he had a chance to do so, his hand was grabbed by a slimy tentacle.

“Jack! I really think that I should…” He trailed off as two of his fingers were forced into the orifice, the unfamiliar sensation taking him completely by surprise. “Oh…” he breathed out. “Oh… that’s… that’s… oh…” Ianto felt his face go slack and thought for perhaps for the hundredth time since meeting Jack Harkness, I’m going to regret this in the morning. He wiggled his fingers, causing Jack’s eyeball to roll upwards and his eyelid to droop.

“Keep doing that, please Ianto…” Jack moaned.

Ianto really had no intention of stopping. The tight and slippery suction around his fingers felt incredible. In fact, he realized, he was rock hard in his pants, just thinking how wonderful the tight heat would feel around his cock. He tried to push his hand further in and gasped in shock as it was fully engulfed inside, the cilia surrounding the opening gently tickling his wrist.

When he pulled his hand back out Jack made a disappointed sound. “Wasn’t I wearing a watch?” Ianto asked distantly, staring at his now-slimy hand. Two tentacles quickly unfastened his trousers and dipped inside, chasing away any thoughts of his missing watch. Soon his trousers and briefs were in a puddle on the floor and one tentacle wrapped around his waist, pulling him closer, as another guided his cock into the oozing, hungry orifice. It clenched and quivered around his cock, the cilia tickling his balls.

It felt…amazing…smooth and slippery, and the constant suction kept pulling him in deeper and deeper. Ianto pressed in as far he could, Jack garbled something that sounded like ar’er. Ianto figured that Jack meant harder (it was hard to annunciate without teeth). He obliged and began thrusting into the incredible grip.

“Yeah… give it to me…” Jack gurgled.

Ianto picked up the pace, but stuttered a little as he felt a slimy tentacle slowly sneaking between his legs, edging along his perineum. As he looked down, and caught sight of the purple blobs of slime that stuck to his pubic hair, his main thought was that they matched quite well with his purple tie. Bloody Torchwood, he thought to himself, but was quickly distracted from this line of thought by the sneaky tentacle that was now slowly but insistently pushing into his arse.

Another two tentacles crept beneath his shirt, how many were there? With a sudden jerk, his shirt was torn asunder and two suction cups on the tentacles latched onto his puckered nipples. The autopsy bay echoed with his first surprised yelp and then his moans of pleasure. It was better than any single mouth could possibly be.

The tentacle inside him was proving dexterous as it targeted his prostate and undulated against it rhythmically. Ianto had never heard himself making such desperate whimpers. With all of this relentless stimulation, he wasn’t going to last very long, he forced his eyes open and stared into Jack’s enormous and disturbing eye. Jack’s strong and nimble tentacles wound around him and pulled him closer still.

The change in position drove Ianto’s cock even deeper into the quivering orifice. He could feel a strange tingling in his cock as purple slime oozed under his foreskin.

“Ohhhhh… right there… arrrggggrrr…” Jack gurgled.

Ianto felt like every inch of his skin was coated with slime; its smoldering energy was spreading through his whole body. It felt glorious. The ooze was warm and felt…sentient, as if it was deliberately seeking out every crevice in his body.

“Jack… Jack… I’m…”

“Yeah, come on…” Jack urged wriggling the tentacle in Ianto’s ass.

Ianto fought for purchase on Jack’s slippery body, trying to hold on as he jerked his hips forward in a few final sharp thrusts. He could feel the sperm shooting out of him, mixing with the thick slime coating the insides of Jack’s orifice.

Beneath him Jack groaned and quivered. “Ianto… I think I’m… Ahhhhhhh!”

Jack cried out, his whole body tensing. His tentacles flung out sideways and flailed as he rode his climax. Ianto watched, enthralled, as whole minutes seemed to pass and Jack was still in the throes of orgasm. Ianto was beginning to worry that Jack was having some kind of alien seizure.

Jack made a sharp keening sound and Ianto felt something brushing against his softening cock, still embedded in Jack. He looked down and watched the sphincter at the entrance to Jack’s middle orifice pulsate around his cock. Interestingly, the sphincters on the other two orifices on both sides pulsed in sync.

Ianto was struck by a strange urge to plunge his hands into them. But as he was still considering it, something strange happened. The orifice on the right spasmed, then relaxed. A moment later, a geyser of purple slime erupted out of it, spewing forth a blob of purple goo the size of a tennis ball.

It was followed by Ianto’s watch.

Finally, Jack’s body seemed to relax. Ianto felt some relief as his flaccid cock was finally released from its hold. He disengaged and shakily got his feet back under him.

Jack made a happy noise, his body clearly thrumming with post coital satisfaction. “That was… legendary. Even in my book.”

Ianto surveyed his slimy body. “That was certainly unprecedented for me too… and I think I need a shower.”

Jack sent a toothless smile his way. “But you look so sexy like that. Purple is definitely your colour.”

Ianto frowned. “Moderation, Jack,” he muttered as he picked up his watch from a puddle of slime on the floor on his way to the shower.

They still had fourteen hours to go.

***

Owen was having a very bad morning. He was hung over, late for work, and worse of all, he nearly swallowed his toothbrush when he looked in the bathroom mirror and saw a purple stain on his cheek. It was right where Jack’s tentacle had smacked him yesterday, leaving a smear of slime, but Owen clearly remembered cleaning up afterwards, and was certain that the stain had not been there last night. It must be a delayed effect then, he mused.

Frowning, he reached for some soap and rubbed it vigorously over the mark. He wiped the cheek off and cursed at the lack of effect. If anything, the stain looked even brighter. Tosh had better find a way to get it off him. The thing was practically florescent.

He grunted at Gwen when he entered the Hub half an hour later, called out “Teaboy, coffee!” and headed straight to the medical bay. His boss was sitting on the autopsy table, human body restored and looking obnoxiously cheerful. Tosh was standing next to him, running a scanner from his head down to his midsection and back up.

“Jack!” he snapped. “Please tell me I’m not going to spend the rest of my life walking around with a fluorescent purple stain on my cheek!”

Tosh paused the scan and Jack turned to look at him a little sheepishly. “Umm…”

“Nothing we’ve tried got it off,” Tosh cut in. “But the good news is that it only stains the outermost epidermis, so it’ll fade away as your skin grows. Probably won’t take more than a week.”

“Less, if you exfoliate,” Jack pointed out helpfully.

“I have this really good cream that…” Tosh trailed off as Owen sent her a withering glare.

“WHERE IS MY COFFEE?!” Owen shouted out.

“Umm…” Jack started hesitantly. “You’re going to have to make your own. Ianto is taking a few personal days…”

Owen’s eyes narrowed. “He’s purple isn’t he?”

Tosh made an effort to hide her smile, “Head to toe.”

“And where the sun doesn’t shine,” Jack added.

“You’re a sick man, Harkness,” Owen scolded Jack, who had the decency to look guilty, at least. “Get out of my medical bay.”

“You know, I think that purple is your colour too,” Jack drawled as he climbed up the stairs.

Owen scowled as he surveyed his domain. At least someone, yeah right, Ianto, had cleaned up after their interspecies sexcapades. Everything looked clean and in place…except…did something just move? He crouched down and peered under the autopsy table. There was a violet globe, the size of a football, near one of the legs. It wasn’t in the tea boy’s anal nature to overlook something so obvious, but then again, Owen imagined that Ianto had been rather distracted last night.

He got up, pulled on a pair of latex gloves and grabbed his biggest pair of forceps. Properly armed, he knelt down and gently prodded the purple mass. The blob twitched and jumped in the air, landing next to Owen’s right foot. Owen shrieked and scrambled up, arms flailing as he tried to move away from it.

The blob looked like it was turning inside out, short stubby tentacles unfurling like a purple blossom. A blue eye blinked open –as blue as a rare sunny Welsh sky– and stared up at him in adoration. Owen gaped down and froze as a miniature version of alien!Jack snuggled up to him. One tiny tentacle started tugging gently on the cuff of his pants, and a round little maw opened.

“Mommmmy?” it crooned.

“JAAAAAAAAAAAACK!” Owen screamed.

Bloody Torchwood.


End file.
